Tuesday, November 09, 2004
oh great i finally found out how to post pictures on the blog. haha, i'll post lotsa pics when I return from HK.
There was this day, when I was with my module mates, and they were lamenting about how much they missed their JC/poly life and friends, and how much they treasured those times, and how they wished they could go back in time!
I kept very quiet throughout while they merrily kept on talking. and talking and talking. I just kept quiet and tried to think of a time when I felt like them, a time when I had fun in school, a time when I actually felt sad about leaving school, a time when there were ppl who liked me for who I was, when I could just be myself and not be afraid to say stupid stuff and when I do, there will be friends who will laugh with me. [realise I said WITH me and not AT me]
And my brain kept racing back, racing back in time to events after events, faces after faces. And I realised there was only a couple of times when I really had fun, first was in secondary school, esp with the bunch of friends, nolly, qy, addie, fern, jo! and the second time, was with sab, gwen, tess,ryan,yiwei, and the bowling bunch. And also, with the HUALALA gang,peiyun,huimin,serene, puishan,felicia. haha.
I thought about what was so special about the ppl above, and it boiled down to this, great people right time right place. These people played such an important role in my life probably without even knowing it. And what was so wonderful about them was that they were able to see the other me, behind that quiet fascade behind that no-nonsense mask. These people let me be who I was, I could do silly things and say stupid stuff without really feeling afraid of being judged. They were willing to be friends with me for who I was and also appreciate me with all the flaws and all. They laugh WITH me and not AT me. (or at least they let me feel this way) Best of all, I could feel that they were human. They were real people. True people.
I really couldn't say the same for my time spent in JC really. Sec school was helluva of a great time. yes. most definitely. In JC, I just remembered being so stifled and so afraid and so stressed. Maybe it was true I couldn't cope, and the school atmosphere made it even harder for me to breathe. My GP sucked to the core, and my teacher din't make life any easier for me. And all the rest of the subjects was in a total mess as well. I was in a total mess. And even till the very end, I still really couldn't untangle myself from the mess. I just graduated with the tangled mess.
I always wondered if I would have fitted in, better in other JCs, if I was able to find myself in another school and most importantly if my entire life would have been different. Maybe. I 'll never know.
For now, although life in uni is monotonous, and I'm pretty much still a wandering soul, at least I'm getting used to this solitude. And that hey, at least I tink i'm coping ok still. besides the islam module that is. Well, on my walls I pasted the collarge tt nolle gave me, pics that will remind me of the good times, and also right in the center I pasted a photocopy of a painful reminder.
I will not make the same mistake over. I will stop comparing and continue moving on as I already have. I will look forward and not backwards cos my eyes are plastered in front not at the back.
